Back down the halls raced Dr. Claireborne. He had no clue what might await him back in the room, how his team might possibly have messed up a simple hypothermia victim. Such things were so commonplace anymore, how anyone could have botched it up was nearly inconceivable.
He burst into the room. “What the hell happened?”
The team was just putting away the defibrillator and breathing sighs of relief. Maxwell had been near, but slunk away at the approach of the doctor. “We don’t know, sir,” said Ms. Hallie Natterson, his assistant. “One moment, she was fine. The next, her eyes opened wide and she babbled nonsense. Then she went into cardiac arrest. It didn’t take us long to bring her back, but it’s still cause for concern.”
“I’ll say it is,” Dr. Claireborne said, striding over to the patient. “Why does a stage two hypothermia patient go into cardiac arrest? She’s not experiencing any other signs of a stage three.”
“We don’t know, sir,” Ms. Hallie said. “She’s stabilized now, though we’re keeping a closer eye on her.”
Dr. Claireborne nodded as he leaned over the patient. “You said she was babbling nonsense. Was there anything coherent?”
“Yes, but nothing sensical. She just yelled ‘Mother’s milk. Black and white. Mother’s milk. Black and white.’”
“Odd. Hallucination, perhaps? Could explain the cardiac arrest.”
“How?” Ms. Hallie asked. “No one has a hallucination so unsettling it almost kills them.”
“In the three years I’ve been here, Ms. Hallie, it’s happened that many times,” Dr. Claireborne said. “This is a different place down here. The mind does strange things to patients. Keep her under careful observation. If you see anything similar about to happen, notify me immediately.”
“Yes, Dr. Claireborne,” Ms. Hallie replied. “Where will we find you?”
“Somewhere on the station,” he replied as he turned back towards the door. “If I’m not there, don’t bother. I’m probably dead. There’s nowhere else that I could be.”
*
Outside, the sky was somewhat clear. Far over the continent clouds were building. There might be a storm later, if the katabatic winds held up. Dr. Claireborne pulled his parka closer around himself and walked down the ice road towards the living quarters. It was time for some much needed sleep. He had been about to do that when the call from the Cetus Initiative had come in. Now that their business had been taken care of, and the patient was being treated, he was free for some shut eye.
The loud roar of an engine sounded behind him. Dr. Claireborne turned to see what was causing it. John Hocker came to a stop beside the doctor, his snowmobile idling beneath him. The big mechanic was grinning.
“Hello, Mr. Doctor,” he said to Claireborne.
“John,” the doctor replied. “What brings you out this fine evening?”
“The bar,” Mr. Hocker replied. “Scott and Barnes are already down there. I had some things to do in the garage, so I told them I’d catch up to them later.” He said ‘garage’ with his typical Canadian accent. Dr. Claireborne smiled, but not because he found it particularly funny. It was more because the big Canuck’s way of talking reminded him of home, though Vancouver Island was very far away from Greenbriar, Colorado.
“You could join us if you want,” Mr. Hocker continued.
Dr. Claireborne held up his hand and shook his head. “Sorry John. New patient’s in. One of those activists that harasses the Japanese fleet. Fell into the water and caught hypothermia. She’s almost died at least once. I need to be sober in case I go on call.”
Mr. Hocker nodded. “Fair enough reason, Doctor. You’re a good enough drinking buddy anyways, so I’ll let you slide tonight.” He grinned, and Dr. Claireborne chuckled to reassure him.
“Could you at least give me a ride back to the dorms? I need to catch up on some sleep.”
Mr. Hocker leaned his head back and laughed. “Don’t we all? Hop on, fancypants. I can hear the bed a’calling your name.”
Dr. Claireborne got on the snowmobile behind Mr. Hocker. The mechanic gunned the motor and the machine took off down the ice road. The chill air whistled in their ears, but they didn’t mind. It was a sound that one grew accustomed to hearing in this place, as one might not notice birds calling or crickets chirping in more settled locales.
The ride did not take long; McMurdo Station was not a big place. They arrived at the dorms in almost no time at all. Dr. Claireborne got off and brushed a few errant patches of snow from his arms. Mr. Hocker simply waved as he sped off again towards the bar. The doctor waved after him. While he didn’t tolerate John much outside of the bar, within it’s bounds the two of them were the best of friends. As a result, they tended to look out for each other occasionally, when reality was at hand.
Dr. Claireborne entered the living quarters. They were as unspectacular as the medical center, bland walls that could have been as old as the station itself. Though they were not remarkable, they were well insulated. The doctor gratefully rid himself of his parka now. In all the clothing, he sometimes felt suffocated.
There was a banging noise going on somewhere in the living quarters. Dr. Claireborne simply hurried to his room, ascending the stairs with noisy thuds. He had a bed that was calling his name, a mattress that promised to hold him up, blankets that would wrap around him and warm him as he slept. Sweet siren songs of sonambulance, one and all, and he was ready to answer them.
He opened the door to his room. Scott Donovan, the cook’s assistant, was already asleep in his own bunk, one arm over his head, the other down the front of his pants. Ordinarily, Dr. Claireborne would take some time to annoy Scott as the latter tried to sleep. At the moment though, his own sleep was far more important than interrupting Scott’s. He simply took off his boots and collapsed on the bed. In no time at all, his eyelids lowered slowly and he let unconsciousness overwhelm him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Sir Conrad!
The unfortunate hypothermia gal, her name is Denise Patterson? And Claireborne's assistant's name is Hallie Natterson? Haha. Sorry, I'm focusing a bit too much on names, but did you notice that?
So we have doctors, activists, mechanics, Japanese fleets, all fussing about in Antartica. Yes, they all have reasons to be there, but here I'm thinking, "It's Antartica! Humans aren't really meant to live there, giving the conditions, so these people certainly have something coming". Which is the reason why this story is so far interesting.
When you really look at it too, these segments are really very short, so I don't have much to comment on, and the pacing is fine. I am enjoying it so far, and I think your writing is very solid here, though bits and pieces of sentences can be edited (though everyone's pointed things and such out, and even masterpiece's need editing, so).
You've got something very intriguing going on here.
~ Clo
Here as requested!
This sentence bugs me. I’m not one to normally pick up on passive voice, but here it doesn’t really seem to fit.
I think the bit after the comma would do better as its own sentence. Then, you have the possibility of making it a question, which would really show his exasperation.
I’m unsure why you used “anymore” here. I think the sentence would be fine without it.
Other than that, I loved this bit. xD Really shows how exasperated he is and gives us a real window into his character.
I’m wondering why he slunk away.
New paragraph with this line. ^
Something about this sentence strikes me as odd. Because you’re technically saying what she did twice, the sentence strikes me as odd. I think it would be better as “she opened her eyes wide and babbled nonsense.” That wording just feels smother and more natural to me.
Yelled or mumbled? I’d think that yelling, first off it would sound through the halls, and second that somebody who’d just woken up from a coma would not be yelling.
It looks like they don’t follow his orders, since wouldn’t shape-shifting be cause for alarm? (I read part three before reviewing this.)
I think this sentence would make more sense if “over” were replaced with something, or something were added so it’s a better mental picture. Right now it sounds like the clouds could be anywhere, not on the horizon.
“Cetus Initiative”? And that is? (I’m guessing it’s the hospital unit he just came from, but right now that’s unclear.)
“To see what was causing it” is flirting with redundancy. I’m not saying to cut it, but do consider it.
~ Are you just calling everybody by their last names here? Because it strikes me as odd that Claireborn would call Mr. Hocker by his first name in dialogue but the name doesn’t show up in the prose.
~”Replied” is repetitive here.
I told you how we say it. It’s “gerage”
In that case, why does it remind him of home?
Reassure him of what?
Hmm. I’m wondering why the “at least” is in this dialogue. Since Mr. Hocker didn’t turn down Claireborn for a favour before. In fact, it was the other way around.
“Machine” and “mechanic” are close enough in sound to be repetitive.
Hmm. I like this but I don’t at the same time. Just the way it’s worded right now this comparison seems incomplete. Or, the sudden omniscient narration got to me. I think it’s the later.
“The ride did not take long” and “they arrived at the dorms in almost no time at all” have pretty much exactly the same meaning. I’d replace “the ride did not take long” with “they arrived…”, keeping the same punctuation.
How did that snow get there?
“The bar” is repetitive.
“Its”
The wording here strikes me as odd. I like how they consider the bar to be an “other world” (perhaps that comes into play later?) but I’m not thrilled for “occasionally.” I think this would be better if replaced with “when it was convenient” or something along those lines.
The second part of this sentence, after the comma, feels slightly incomplete. I think the comma should be replaced with a colon.
I think this sentence would feel more complete with “he had to wear” after “clothing.”
He doesn’t try to figure out what it was? He doesn’t even have an ounce of curiosity? I find that odd.
I’m not sure what “one and all” means here. It seems to be saying that all of the elements of his bed are calling him, but isn’t that covered by saying “he had a bed that was calling his name”? (By the way, that phrase can be seen as repetitive because Mr. Hocker said that in his dialogue just a few paragraphs ago). I do get that you’re trying to say he really, really wants to go to sleep, but right now I find it a bit forced and drawn out too much.
Instead of going too much on the bed that’s calling him, go on his physical sensations. Right now we can’t tell he’s that tired. We’ve been given no indication that it’s late, he hasn’t slept in awhile, anything from his actions, yet he’s that drawn to bed. It doesn’t make much sense, since when you’re tired you show it one way or another.
You said Scott was at the bar. Now he’s in his bunk?
With “the later” here, this sentence can be a bit hard to read. I realize you’re doing it to avoid repetition, but it still strikes me as slightly odd.
Same note as above on why he wants to sleep so badly.
This makes it sounds like he’s gotten knocked out. Reword.
*
Characters: Claireborn is growing on me. You’ve given him some interesting quirks, like a teasing streak. I also likes the way he describes people, in groups. He’s got such a detached air from the people around him that he’s strange but relatable at the same time. Because the haughtiness is done in such a way that makes us half-way understand his logic. Or, more likely, you’ve set a tone for the work and you’re not moving away from it. And the bit about Antarctica messing with your mind was a backhand explanation, I find. He’s detached so that nothing gets to him.
Description: For the most part, I like it. What I’m not liking is how inconsistent it can be at times. When describing the walk, you never mention him grabbing a parka before hand. Scott is at first at the bar and after he’s in his bunk. Some words we’re unsure what they’re relating to, like names of the units. Be really careful as to what you describe, and make sure that you keep track of the little details like what a character grabs when. It’s those little things that really make a work come alive.
I’d also like a bit more sensory description, especially on Claireborn. I find that the physical reactions you normally have are missing here. Mostly, how tired Claireborn is. I told you about this in my nit-picks, but it’s important so I’ll mention it again: If we don’t have some measure on the character as to how they’re feeling, be it dialogue (dropped words, slightly incoherent sentences, pauses in the tags for yawning, thinking, trying to get through sleep-fog, ect) be it actions (slowing down, yawning, forcing eyes open) or whatever you come up with (I was going to suggest paragraphs on how the character is feeling but I don’t think that would fit into this work) I really feel we need more of a measure on how Claireborn is feeling in the first couple of parts.
I’d like a bit more consistency in how you name characters. Because the name changes from dialogue to prose, usually from last to first, respectively, it can be hard to keep track of who’s who.
Overall: Enjoyable. There was a good pace through the work, with just enough tension to keep us interested. I consider that an accomplishment, considering Claireborn’s rather aloof character and his (seeming) tendency to avoid close interactions. Although I did find the last bit slow, just with the way sleep was emphasised with no physical reactions…
That aside, you’re building up a good, solid base, with a nice amount of hints (hehe) and lots of promise of what’s to come.
Drop me a line with questions!
~Rosey
Here I am again!
So I read the first section and decided what's bothering me about Claireborne is the multi-personality issue. Allow me to explain: His dialogue runs too fast. A character can be laidback and interested in his career like Claireborne/House is, but you jump from one to the next in little time at all. In one sentence of dialogue, he's screaming at this team, and the next, he's analyzing the situation, then he cracks another laidback comment before rushing out the door. It all happens too fast for me. At least add some description or some time for Clairborne to think to himself before acting. (He has to think before analyzing the situation, yes?)
Maybe I should read on.
Here's a good example to explain my confusion about Claireborne. Just reading this, it seems completely out of character compared to that "What the hell happened contact me if i dont pick up im dead" guy. In fact, to get this comment into character, I needed to use my knowledge of House to make sense of it, how House would say it. That is no good. xD
Aw, really, Connie? You missed this? D: "Its" makes more sense. No apostrophe.
Hocker said this already. Get more creative!
That about ends my concerns. I'm still worried about Claireborne. xD
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Mister Rice! Hallo there.
That sentence sounds so so weird. Very weird. I don't know if it's the wording or not, but it just sounds very awkward. Try saying it outloud over and over again, and I think you will hear it.
...Ain't he optimistic?
o.O He is WALKING?!?! in ANTARTICA!?!?! is he CRAZY?!?!!
but seriously. Either I would have thought that it would all be one building or he would have the snowmobile to ride there. But walk? eek.
...I'm not sure what you exactly mean here. Aren't they at the station? It's just...I have no idea what you mean here.
So, I'm sorry this took so long to do. But! Kylan got mostly everything I was going to say (and when I say mostly, I mean everything).
Keep writing, Mister Rice.
~Linx
Connie --
A rather uneventful chapter. But I suppose it's necessary? Regardless, and as a result, I don't have much to say about this chapter. Solid writing. The dialogue is a little stiff, at least on the doctor's part. There were a couple of times where I found you trying a little too hard to make the doctor personable or witty. I think the main reason the dialogue here is flabby is due to the fact that there's no conflict. Insert an argument. Loosen the doctor up (unless being kind of stiff and removed is his character...). Give the characters a chance to throw some banter around. I've found that it's a whole world easier to write dialogue between two characters when the characters are at odds for some reason. But I'm sure you know this...
Just a couple quick notes:
This line feels contrived. It's awkward and out of place. A tad too melodramatic.
Repeat of "enough" in close quarters.
Meh. I thought that the alliteration was kind of gimmicky. I don't care for it.
Kill this line. The whole "drifted into unconsciousness" description is a pet peeve of mine. It's a terrible transition into sleep.
Anyway. Hopefully the next chapter holds some traditional Conrad action...
-Kylan